heart broken again

sOmetime.. i start questioning myself..
am i a good girlfriend.?

or sometimes...
i reali wanted to tel him

that :

do you reali stil love me.?
if u don't love me anymOre.. please tell me.~
i dun mind being hurt kOwing
because atleast i know the truth

and sOmetimes...

i started to find many reasOn for myself to not being sad and stay strong but now i realise the i can't be strong anyOre. i can't hold my tears anymOre. i cry again.~ i always find the reason.. like he might be stress so he leave me aside or he got his "guy" and family problem so he dint reali bother me any.. things had change day by day.. i thought yesterday he is better.. but thing dint turn better actually.~ it seem to be more worst

why i say sO.?
cause i get hurt today again.. really hurt

yesterday night.. i told him that i want him to stay tuition with me til 10pm. cause i really wish to spend more time with him.. but he reply was. nO.~ he is tired. that time i though he really in the tired mOod so i just try to request him to stay 2mr with me for few more time.. but he still does not want. then as a girlfriend. i should understand him. so i just leave it. and quite sad. and that not a big deal. he should get mOre rest toO..

but..

today.. i call him after i school and he told me that he did not go back hOme. means he is going some where straight.. until afternoOn. he msg me and told me that.~ he want to go 7.40pm tuition class.. i know he must be play with friend until late and straight gO tuition class.. i m quite happy because if he attend 7.40pm tuition.. then his class will be end at 10pm. means i can stay extra hours with him. remember.? i was asked him to stay with me til 10pm.?

but i just say "up to you" as to reply his msg after he told me he going 7.40pm class.. i got abit upset to. because today. the whole day. he just sent me not more den 4 msg. and he leave me alone waiting his msg like crazy girl and he was going out playing with his friend.. do he stil remember he got a girlfriend.? after that.. i go tuition class at 6pm. i go early class so that my class end early and can spend the rest time with him. and so after my first class. i wait him to come..and that time i am stil sad..

as when he cOmes.. with his friends.. i was just acting having fun chating with my friends and walk in to the class and act without noticing him.~ i want show him that i m really not happy.. i hope to get his comfort.! i hope he ask me why.? i hope he will talk to me... but he din't. after i sit beside him in class.. i start get hurt. and he just say "hi.." first i din't reply him but after that. i say hi toO.. then i start question him where he went and so on.~ actually i already know. the purpose i question him is just wanted to tel him.. i mind.! i mind he leave me alone and he out going play with his friend.. what is this.? isit i am more worst then his friend.?

then i start to tel him i m not going bm class.. ( cause i wan to teman him and want he teman me 2 ) after he knowing i has no class later.. something comes to his mind. he wanted to go back early then cause he had out going whole day and being tired.! this show he stay til 10pm is cause he want to go his class not want to teman me... i was thought he going to say " nvm la.. i stay til 10pm with you.." no.~ never.. i was just dreaming. he wont.! he can just play with his friend and out going whole day but he cant just teman me for 1.10 hour.. really hurt.! then i act as nothing and tel him " nvm la.. u tired wert. go back and hav a rest la.~" actually my heart is calling him to stay. i dont mind he rest on my shoulder later. but i saw he sms his dad. to pick him back earli.~

thats is double hurt.~ my heart break again.! i just dont understand.. why he can spend so alot of times with his friend but not me.? i am his girlfriend wert... why.? he can be not tired spend time with them but he tells me he tired to spend time to me.? why... he dont love me.? or he love his friend more.?

class end..

i sms my dad to pick me up cause there is already no point staying alone at there anymOre.. i walk down with him at the stairs.. and he did not stop me to say bye.~ he just let me go that way. my tears is already drop.. i walk infront of him.. so he wont know.

after that i m toO sad to let him go just like that.. sO i walk back up to stairs and sms him to come up before his dad cOme. i want to give him a kiss before he go back hOme. and then he come. i start to ask stupid question. " your dad coming.? " he reply as normal and later on.. i have no stupid for him anymOre.. i m to sad to see him everytime. very hurt.~ i m just trying my best to hold my tears.. then after all.. he ask me " you not going back.? " i say no.. i going back dy. then i turn around and walk down stair. i wish he stop me and hold me back.. i walk so slow but he did not.~ he just let me go.. my tears drop again. and i did not tun back to let him saw i m tears-ing..

after i reach hOme. i break a bowl and i cut my leg. i dint break a bowl before.... may be is cause i m to sad. and i first time eat when i cry.~ i faster run to the toilet half way i eat to cry. to make sure my parent dint know i was crying. my heart pain like hell. i cant hold it. i cant be strong anymore.~ i m weak but he want a girl to be strong.. so i hide everything.!

i dont hope he saw this dairy.. my blog. cause i stil want to hide my feeling to him til one day i explode. i just wil go suicide. now i know why people wil die because of love. is a drug.! dangerous drug.. while y i start hiding this from him.. my feeling.~ cause even he knows everything. he just wil be more sad and emo worrying me.. then why should i tell him.? to make him more sad.? nO.~ never.. i rather sad my own but not make people sad for me. i do not want him sad. so the only way i can do is be strong and hurt inside. hide deep in the heart.. so he wont be emo worrying me.. i rather he do not know and did not get sayang from him.

sometimes i will think that.. will he try his best to make me smile when i sad. as i do.? no.~ he just wil sad together..

after all.. i jerr send me a msg and comfort me. thanks to him.~ cause just now in class he was siting beside me and he saw my sadness in heart.. and now i start online chat with evy.. my only friend i can talk with. then i found out that actually she invite him to go summit see movie.. evy was his best friend.. so. i am really jealous that he can teman her whole day but not just an hour to me. a girlfriend is nothing to him.? izit.?.. i m not angry bout evy.. i just to hurt to him.. he treat me worst then a friend... i m just nothing to him.~

and actually i should understand he had chat less to his buddy after couple with me.. and now he out going with his friends whole day is logic wert.~ somtimes i think. am i too selfish to keep him by my side.? but i really wan him to spend time with me.. he less msg me and just the tuition.. thats all.. he spend time with his friend not means thats wrong but... is just why i cant just be better then his friend.? haix...

the word "i love u" already lost in this few days..
may be he does not love me anymore.. i wish he could tel me that if he dont love me.. atleast i know the truth..

i get mOre hurt when i see him. and i cant feel love anymore.. whats love.? and i called him and did not say anything.. just want to hear his voice. i really miss him and i cry again.~