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i m totally heart broken.. is totally.!
sigh~ til now is so dam pain ♥ i had lost of emotion like death person. only know how to tears. i duno why i m stil crying..

today 6th june wakie up already afternoon about 12pm cause i sleep very early about 6am morning.!! Lolx. telling that if i m not totally cry ♥ until tired then i wont be sleeping. my eyes now is like gold fish~ might worst than that

well.. hapi burfday 22th wai kin gor (=
his burfday. badly that yesterday 1am sumthing after call him and wish him then start to say my sad story. so kelian him~ birthday also wanna hear i cry on phone. hear my sad story all those but reali thankZ that he alteast listen to me. if i cant find some one to tell. i reali wil explode~ ♥ and he also comfort me plus lame joke.. C= although is stil pain but atleast i can shortly forget. just a moment but.. is enough~

talk talk... talk everything until 6am sumthing. of cause is he calls me if not i bankrupt lu xD for talking on phone for 5 hours plus.! sigh.. sumtime wat i listen from other might be correct also. actually i got alot things to tell nicholas but i just dun dare to open my mouth or type it out. may be the process is not important~ the important is the result..

this morning 8am sumthing then wake by my pig parents.. oh faint.~ they just love last min. tell me that they wanna back penang. my hometown cause my daddy 'another dad' die -__- sigh. i duno i should hapi or sad. hapi that i get to bac penang. i reali miss my hometown like craZy and my cousin sis. while sad cause someone die sigh.~

i feel i reali lifeless now. i guess since yesterday my emotion is terrible until my dad bring me sit in sushi kiing. i also dint order anything to eat. i m real hungry but i just hav no appetite. i know i m going to hav bad gastric soon but wat to do.? i just... dun feel putting things in my mouth ._.
and also~ i hurt my leg just now. it reali bleed.. but i feel nothing at all.! no pain.. nothing~ Lolx sei lor. then i go wash my leg so that water make me feel pain. but stil~ no feeling.! reali no. it bleed alot but i just let it be until it stop itself. i know. i realise.. heartache is much more pain than real physical injured. i real~ wan die..

wake infront of mirror.. oh gosh.! ♥ is like a dam sick people. pile while. no emotion. no energry.. sigh. izit world is going to end.? or what...

dear. actuali i got alot things to tell u. to ask u but the answer i always get is the same. u just told me to remember that u love ♥ me. u know~ dunu since when i cant feel your heart and your love to me anymore. no because u don't prove. is a feeling. last time u dint do anything but i can feel but now.. is nothing.?

u said 'a gurl had found his dream one but not mean the guy had found his dream one' izit mean that i m not his dream one.? telling me indirectly or giving me hint. i wana ask but answer wil be the same also.. i know~ i know some people give me comment. what shit say he just playing me. but i stil dun trust them.. well someone say he take me as spare means 候补.. like he is finding another beta girl but keeping me as backup so atleast he got someone to love or some sort ♥ of that. sigh.~ i think that before. he do reali love me may be.. but i just not his forever.?

last time i promise myself just wil love a person once. i wil not love a person twice cause first time leave. the possibility for him to leave 2nd time and to hurt 2nd time is there~ i need protect myself. sometime i stop myself from thinking too alot and rubbish but to protect myself.. i have to think. the plan. if not it wil last forever lyk this. i know he wont leave me. as wat other said that he take me as backup.~ actuali i dont mine. ♥ i really love him but just pain is myself.. i wish he could tell me that if i m really not the one he wanted to love then i wil get the answer.

now. he love me or not is not important anymore. not i don trust but i betraying my heart. my feeling.. see can see wrong. tel can tell lie but feeling wil never wrong~ rite.? i feel there is not such thing as perfect love. love road like wave.. got sad. got happi got sweet and bitter~ y sweet that time he treat me like gold but bitter that time. he quit.?

i m not 3 years old kid and i m not first day knowing him. but i guess he don know me well. actuali i reali understand but he dint try to understand wat i mean.. i duno y everything end up sure his is the one correct and i m the one say sorry.? like last time he call his ex and tell her that he miss her voice.. i reali hurt~ i was asking myself. got any girl can accept a bf telling another girl that he miss her voice.? i also close one eyes but end up he said miss the pass wil do. is normal.. and said i miss my ex too. but miss in heart or flash back i understand but to tell the person 'i miss....' i different story. ♥ end up he emo and sad. then i m the one say sorry.. then is he rite or wrong.? actuali i dint might. i closing one eyes. i just wan take it as my fault so.. said sorry.~ i dun wan argue or wat... is pain but i stil can take it

then next case is his friend shout that i m his 'pet sister'. mean he tell him that i m his pet sis infront of his fren.. then he said is because his fren feel my fb picture dun look like me. so he joke that is pet sis. ya~ i know he love talk nonsen and lame joke. i dun mind but this can joke de.? is... hurt. end up he said he just being himself and joke crap around. so conclusion my fault again saying sorry cause i mind wat his fren said ._. but telling i m his gf so hard meh.? he say is obvious. blind oso know that we r couple but he also no nid say that hurt stuff.. but nvm lar. i close one eyes again. i say sorry.

i feel... i girl normal reaction right. but i guess i m reali doing wrong and stupid thing infront of his fren such as merajuk all that so i giving him stress. this i can understand.. just because i duno how to b a girlfriend..

i feel wanna ask him alot alot of things wan wanna tell him how i feel.. i want to sit with him and talk with him.. ya i know if we do that. it might lead to 'end'.. so we should to not tell each other feeling.? he is a smart guy and i m not stupid also. we cant lie each other cause we r not love blind.. but i rather blind myself then being smart cause i dun want to know u r hurting me or u not real love me.~ ♥

something i hold back. i dint want to ask and dint wan to know. may be the answer is not more important than our relationship. example if he lie. i rather trust his lie than telling him that he is lie ing and relation get worst. there is just 2 ways. either sit down tell everything out. but prepare that the relationship wil get worst. we 2 wil explode and wil 'end'.. or 2nd choice is eventhough i feel is hurt or is not real. i stil wanna try to giv a chance to continue. dun care watever backup or nonsen. just wish i can touch his heart one day. i can just accept anything to be with him. or til one day he say 'i dont love u' then i wil walk away but i wil stil love u.. ♥

is just like coffe. i know what u mean. when the first time i drink the coffee that u give. with with sugar and milk. but til one day he realise let me drink add sugar milk dy coffee is not pure enough so.. u giv me drink an original bitter coffe without telling me. u want me taste out and wanna see my reaction but he does not know that before i drink that bitter coffee. i really know that is a bitter one. i see through the coffe colour.. but stil.. i drink.~ then i give him the reation is not hapi. telling him is bitter. i cant feel that coffe last time anymore. is sumthing missing.. then he tol me the truth that he giv me drink original coffee. not sugar not milk. so i dun lik.? no.. he dun know that actuali is not because the sugar and the milk adding problem.. when i see the colour. i feel diff. i ask my fren. why the coffee change.? my fren tol me - is not the coffee change. he dint change. he just let u see the original and pure him. u just starting to know him.

but he dont know that the feeling is.. i cant feel a special feeling. the love.. last time he give me drink the coffe with sugar and milk. may be he put too many so it always sweet. i cant feel the bitter. but he dun know one thing that i can smell.. he coffee smell. the taste even is sweet might cover the original bitter but he dunnu that i actuali loving to drink the one that he made. not because is sweet.. 2nd time he let me drink original coffe that time. i feel sumthing lost.. i cant feel that is he made the coffee.. i dun mind is bitter. i sad not because is bitter. i sad cause after he remove the sweet~ i know realise that that coffee is not he made. 不是他泡的咖啡~ i wan tell him that even u add sugar and milk in the 2nd cup. i also wil feel missing the.. love 真诚 ♥ in it. is not the sweet problem. i cause say that he dint made the coffe cause i dint see with my eyes. he might be made himself but with 3 in one pack. not real from coffee bean. diff way of love.. he tell me is he made. he got the love but he might stil dun understand. i dun mind drink bitter coffee. if u made d. how bitter wil stil sweet.

i duno i should trust my feeling or him. may be drink coffee can drink wrong but trust him even though is wrong. i dun wan be right.. loving him is no wrong no rite. i just wana he know wat i mean. 'i dun wan war for peace. i wanna peace so no war.' dear i reali love u~ even u tell me u dun love me. i might cry like death person. hurt me like crazy but i dun wan drag to hell.. i wil be myself~ i hope one day the result is u hold my hand back walk with u foever down the road.. i love u who u r. i know the coffee original is bitter but nid time to 适应 rite.? if letting me choose. i rather chose the bitter coffee that u made then drinking a sweet coffe without knowing u made or others.? may be is u made but it mis with sweet.. confuse with real u

sigh.~ i feel wanna hug u wan telling u dun leave but to make things beta. u say wanna rest~ en. but i oso wan u to rmb. my love to u is always truth and pure ♥